Let’s talk about boundaries today. Boundaries show where one thing ends, and another begins. They are the limits that you put in place to protect your well-being. They can be internal and external. Internal boundaries are those which we make for ourselves. And external boundaries are those which we make for others. It also deals with our private and public image. Lately, there have been several talks around mental health. Boundaries play a crucial role in our mental health. Let’s take this as a base for understanding this concept. And why do we need them in the first place?

Related article: 9 ways I keep my sanity intact when everything is going wrong

External Boundaries:

It is about how we want the outside world to treat us. I am a firm believer that we teach others how to treat us. We give them reasons to talk to us, behave with us, treat us in a certain way. The image we create for them, they respond accordingly. 

Many times, two good friends experience differences in their friendship. Why? Because they unknowingly cross that line between private and public life. If we let people enter into our lives, then it’s not their fault. If we give them an impression that it’s okay to talk to us in whichever way they want, we should not complain about it later. Not everyone has the maturity. In NLP, I learned the term “Placater”. These type of people wants to agree with everybody. They want to fit in or please everyone. Now, if someone gives the impression that they are okay with everything, they are most likely to be taken for granted. 

On the contrary, if they stand for themselves, give their opinion when needed, and maintain a balanced approach, why would anyone take them for granted? 

No wonder they say the first impression is the last. If our first impression has a long-lasting effect on someone, it is better to take it seriously. 

Internal Boundaries:

How many times have you checked your phone notification while reading this post? If not, then great. That’s how it should be. But if yes, then that’s where internal boundaries come into the picture. Internal boundaries are those restrictions that we put on ourselves to control our habits or functioning. A simple example of this is being disciplined or not using social media during work hours. 

Sleeping on time is something we all wish for. Right? But how many times, you get into binge-watching. You promise yourself to get back on track from the next day, but again the same routine follows. Furthermore, a lack of that inner control comes into the picture.

Related article: Dr. Sudha Tallavajhula discussing sleep disorders & tips for a good sleep

Procrastination is another area which many of us want to work on. Work keeps piling up, and we are not able to control our habit of procrastination. But if we set a boundary for ourselves that I have to finish this work today then we are more likely to do it because it will make us feel happy? 

Related article: 6 practical tips to beat procrastination and be more productive

Not able to say “no”: Saying yes to everything can become the main reason behind others taking us for granted. If we don’t have internal boundaries and keep saying “yes” to everything, how can we define our external boundaries? One cannot do anything to us without our permission. We should set an internal boundary of saying a clear and firm no if we are not convinced with the act. 

Why do we need boundaries

Whether it be internal or external, boundaries are for our good. Once we define the internal boundaries, then only we can expect desired results from external boundaries. To simplify- if we want respect from others, first we have to respect ourselves. Then only people will respect us. When we let others treat us the way they want, we are compromising with internal boundaries. To establish effective personal boundaries, you have to know yourself, communicate your boundaries to others, and follow through with the consequences. We will talk about types of boundaries how to define them in the next post.