In the previous post, I briefly mentioned the step ladder approach to help our children deal with fear and anxiety. I was pleased to see the comments, messages, and curiosity about the step ladder approach. In this post, I will be talking about this approach.

As the name suggests, it is a step-by-step approach in which we help the person experiencing some fear or going through anxiety. As parents, we try to help children conquer some of these moments. When we experience anxiety, we tend to feel overwhelmed, even in simple situations. The step ladder approach is a gradual exposure technique to help people of all ages conquer their fears and tackle problems they previously perceived as overwhelming.

It’s one of the ‘behavioral’ components of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and it’s helpful to know about when encouraging your child to address their fears.

The best way to conquer fear is? – to face it. But it is not easy as it sounds. When we say it is an exposure technique, that doesn’t mean that you are thrown into a situation that is the cause of your anxiety. Instead, it is done in a way that allows us to achieve small successes to move ourselves up the ladder to full exposure.

One crucial point – we have to appreciate every step.

Children can do wonders if they get an appreciation for their efforts. As parents, we are very quick to point out their mistakes, and when they do something good, we don’t say much. We expect them to understand that our silence means we like their efforts. But when we verbalize their mistakes, then why not verbalize their efforts.

For example, when our infant learns to walk. With every step they took, we cheered them up, which encouraged them to take the next step. Unknowingly we have been following the step ladder approach ever since our children started to understand. The only difference between then and now was when they were babies, we took their efforts like achievements and celebrated them. But as they grew, the celebration went on the back burner, and teaching took the front seat.

First, let’s start in simple words, then will move towards technical.

I want to give you another example that we all experienced when our kids were young – “separation anxiety”.  Sometimes such concepts are better understood with examples. Do you remember how did you handle separation anxiety among your kids? Wasn’t that a gradual process? Some kids are susceptible to their mom’s absence, even for a minute. Your stepladder approach in that situation started by :

1. Asking your child to stay and play in their bedroom for 15 minutes then…
2. Asking your child to continue playing inside or watch TV while you finish your chores in the backyard keeping an eye on them then…
3. Have them stay at home with dad while you go shopping for an hour or so… then….
4. Get them to stay at home with an aunt or grandparent while mom and dad go out together.

With pandemic, kids getting nervous in a crowded place is becoming a concern for parent. Holiday season has already started which means get-togethers, guests, and holidays. This can also be one of the reasons of their anxiety. As parents we should try to be patient and handle this carefully.

These steps on the ladder can all be adapted to your child’s situation, to their age, and to what their age can handle. This can be done in a very subtle manner. From my experience, if parents are at ease, kids learn and accept the change easily when it comes to kids. Make it a gradual process, simply out the challenges, reward and encourage them when they succeed. And if they don’t, then try again. Make sure that you are moving up on the ladder.

Related article: https://mothersgurukul.com/dealing-separation-anxiety/

Imagine a ladder and decide on a goal that you want to achieve. Then, divide the steps into easy-intermediate-difficult. When planning a stepladder approach for your child, make sure that the steps are not very tough. This will discourage your child from moving towards your goal. If the jump from step 1 to step 2 looks challenging, break it down into small steps. This helps your child to practice while coping up with anxiety.

How to help children in following the step ladder approach?

Let’s take the above example of separation anxiety.

1. Ask your child what they want to do. If the child needs help, then give them suggestions. Make sure that while giving them tips does not mean you are trying to convince them. They have to take the front seat.

2. Once they have chosen their goal, teach them a couple of practices that they can follow in case they feel anxious. For example, deep breathing, backward counting, soothing words “I can do it”, “Mommy-daddy will be back soon,” etc.

3. Now is the time to put it into action. First, encourage your child to try to stay in the situation until their anxiety has passed. I know this is the hardest step. But believe me, anxiety never lasts for long. Once they pass that weak moment, it is the celebration time. Going by our example, if you immediately go inside the room when you see your child crying, you are not helping your child progress towards their goal. But if you control yourself and observe how your child is coping with that anxious moment (not able to see mommy or daddy around), this will help them conquer their fear of staying alone.

Note: But please remember to master this step will take time. It might take several attempts. So work at your child’s pace.

4. Never forget to celebrate this milestone. I am not in favor of offering candies or gifts as rewards. Instead, words of praise tell them how proud you are and let them call their close relative and share this news.

5. Last but not least, practice what you preach. While you teach your child the step ladder approach, you should not hide your fear as parents. And when needed, apply the same for yourself too.

Additional reading: : https://parenting.firstcry.com/articles/dealing-with-social-anxiety-in-preschoolers-by-stepladder-approach/